Swimsuits: The Momkini Edition

A note from me: This was written back in February. I had so many second thoughts about sharing this, because I was a big ol sissy and afraid of being judged. I finally decided to post it, because I don’t give a shit if someone doesn’t like it. I thought it was pretty funny, and needed the comic relief after seeing my fat ass self in a swimsuit.

When I woke up today I had the brilliant idea to head over to Target and try on some swimsuits. I mean who can resist their annual BOGO sale? Plus, all 3 boys are in school today. This mama was free as a bird! How or why I got this wild hair up my ass I have absolutely no idea. Like seriously Kristin.. What in the ever loving fuck were you thinking?!? I struggle, HARD with self-image, body issues, food addiction, anxiety and every other issue between. I am in this weird place where I have the confidence of an unstoppable goddess, but other days I feel like I’m looking at a lumpy ass potato in the mirror. But I digress…

I think my cooter and nipples might fall out of this one…

My trip to Target today started off as usual. You know, browse “Bullseye’s Playground” for a bunch of amazing cheap stuff I do not need. Sip on my Iced Venti Berry Hibiscus Refresher. Head over to get the necessities like toilet paper, spray cleaner, pull-ups… Eventually, I make my way back to the front of the store where they are… swimsuits. 

First of all, I don’t even think some of these swimsuits can be considered that. Like what is this string? Where does it go? That fabric looks like it’s more in her ass than on her ass. Of course they have the super cutesy teeny weeny bikinis in the front, so I headed to the back of the section, ya know where the bigger gals and momsuits are? Let me tell you Target has the CUTEST high-waisted bikinis and one pieces. I was so excited to pick a few and head to the fitting rooms.

I grabbed an adorable strapless black one piece with a ruffle across the chest. I only picked this one, because it came with straps. I have 3 wild and rowdy boys, strapless is not an option if I am sunning with them. Next up was the leopard print halter. DAMMIT they don’t have my size, so I move on to a Hawain print similar to the first I chose. Then I hit up the back wall with the high-waisted bikinis. There it is, a gorgeous fifties style halter, black with pink Hibiscus flowers on it. It is the CUTEST swimsuit ever. 

With my shopping cart parked out front I make my way into the fitting rooms. I loathe fitting rooms. Like first of all, I always look like I am dying no matter how my hair and makeup look, and second I feel like someone is going to bust in on my big ass at any moment. I put the black one on. It’s cute. I like it, but my thighs are something else in it. No matter my size I have always had big thighs. Thigh gaps over here are non existent. I can barely peel the suit off. I legit start to panic. I’m thinking to myself, “I’m going to be stuck in this room forever, ain’t no way in hell I’m comin out like this!”  I stick one arm down in each leg hole and stretch as hard as I can. Victory is mine! I have slithered out of the first suit. I try on the second one, same process… it’s cute… hate my legs.

On to the third and final suit. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN THE MOMKINI. I put this thing on, and I am like I didn’t even know I had fat in the places I did. These dressing rooms had not one, but two mirrors! Thanks Target for the consideration, but I was perfectly content not knowing how bad my back fat was. Like OMG the ROLLS. I look like a mother fuckin Sharpei dog back there. There is a silver lining, my boobs looked absolutely amazing, because the support was unreal in the top piece. 

This was the hardest set of images for me to share EVER!

Next time I will stick with my online shopping, tummy control, and one pieces in the privacy of my own home. Almost had a mental breakdown in my happy place, and I can’t let that happen. I see these women that have babies, and stretchmarks, and are curvy like me and they wear two pieces, rock them and have amazing confidence. How?! Ladies, how do you do it? How do you find that comfort? I am working on it. I am making healthier choices, becoming more active, and working on  my self care journal. Finding a positive daily affirmation has been a lifesaver for me, but I am nowhere near where I need to be. I’ll continue to work on myself, in the meantime  laughing about it and a few glasses of wine will help pave the way.

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